Can you see the cause of pain?
The beast that has made this stain..
the one that covers our society in vain.
Wanting to make us fat with fast food chains..
knocks us down and takes away our cane
all this to cause so much pain...
But I can see the controlling eyes
in my home, I am one of many spies..
roaming the net of far away skies
to put together all the lies...
but you don't seem to realize
it is because of you and I..
we construct which blocks my sight
then give up and die without a fight..
and like the wondering fish who swims at night
we always take the bait, we always bite..
Can you see where I'm taking this?
it all ends with Sic Semper Tyrannis..
the one who controls when I take a piss
the one who decides whether I hit or miss..
I can see why you would want their kiss
but you will always end up with their fist..
beaten and grounded into the mist
I can see that you've become part of that list.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
"the one who controls when I take a piss"
that made me laugh. =D
i liked that poem. the sadness and emotion in it. The style and organization. All were wonderful.
I enjoy your writing style. the way you write, it's amazing. I mean, I can feel it, you know?
No.
I think that you should change this line or simplify it a bit. I didn't know what 'Sic Semper Tyrannis' meant so I had to google it, and then google the results inorder to understand the meaning. I believe that only people knowledgeable of latin would get it, or people aware that it IS latin.
Glad you liked it.
That was really great man. It reminded me of sort of like George Orwell's 1984, which is kind of what I've been into lately, all that tyrannical government stuff. So you caught me with this one at the right time haha. Poetry definetley seems to be your thing, your other poem The Caged One, or at least it was similar to that, was great. The only criticism I could really see you getting is the thing about taking a piss, but I love that sort of stuff, as long as you don't over do profanity it can really get a message of anger and frustration out nicely. So if anyone tells you to censor this poem, quietly and politely tell them to uh...sigh not being able to swear in the forums is killing me tell them to "fudge" off hahaha jk
I think this is a beautuful yet sad poem of how society works these days. I'm not sure if I am right, but this flowed perfectly in my eyes.
The only line that didn't flow at first was the:
Wanting to make us fat with fast food chains..
But then I read it through again, and it kinda fits there.
So that is my opinion on this correct me if I am wrong.